Daniel Susan                                                                                                      

Prof. Heerah

English 11000

September 27, 2020

            For me, the problem that stemmed out of social pressure (not being able to read) turned into a personal experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Reading the Torah was only the first step in understanding who I am through my culture. And writing this essay has helped me understand that. My hope with this writing is that more people will want to embrace a part of themselves that they may have neglected for too long. Whether it be listening to traditional music or even celebrating religious holidays, it is very important to keep yourself close to home. I would love if more people would take these steps in connecting to their roots no matter the reason. I’m a firm believer that more people find comfort within themselves after indulging in their culture. Conveying this message in such descriptive details is unlike anything I’ve done before. In the past, the objective of writing was to simply answer a question. Very rarely would the teacher emphasize the importance of the style of writing used. The language and literary worksheets were a huge help when it came to identify the writing style of an author, which ultimately helped me figure out my style. This essay was a learning experience in the sense that I am noticing writing style patterns and even getting comfortable with utilizing one style throughout the essay. For this piece of writing, I have made the effort the to be as descriptive as possible so the reader can see themselves in my shoes. With the help of the language and literacy worksheets in class, I was able to create a vivid story that (hopefully) made sense from beginning to end using detail whenever I can.

Daniel Susan                                                                                                                  

Prof. Heerah

English                                                                                                           

September 9^th, 2020

            Reading the Torah at my Bar Mitzvah is easily my most memorable literary moment. Growing up; during synagogue prayers, I would always admire the people that were able to read off the old testament. Even though I grew up speaking Hebrew around the house, I never learned how to read or write in the ancient language. So, every time I went to a synagogue, I was always the odd kid that just stood there staring at the cover of the siddur (Jewish “bible”). Now when a boy turns 13 in the Jewish Religion, he is to read passages off the Old Testament in order to become a man. No exceptions. For me, it was very important that I read the Torah during my bar mitzvah. Everyone I grew up around were all religious to some extent, carried the Jewish culture wherever they went, and most importantly prayed multiple times a day. I did neither of those. Unlike many first-generation Israeli Americans, I went to public school, ate non-kosher food (don’t tell my mom), and had no clue how to read in Hebrew. This bar mitzvah was the moment to prove to my people that I am just as good a Jew as anyone else.  The only problem though, was that I still didn’t know how to read. Faced with this obstacle of illiteracy, I had to do what any other good Jew would do, hire a rabbi to teach me how to read Hebrew. From that moment, I spent 2 hours a day, 3 times a week trying to cram in as much information as possible hoping it would be enough to be respected not only as a man but as part of the community.

            Fast forward 6 months; today was the day. I remember myself sitting on the bench in the synagogue early morning surrounded by family and friends. I had just finished taking photos with my family and greeting the guests. Now was the part where I wait for the rabbi to finish the general prayers while I await my turn to read. I remember myself completely extracted from the moment while on that bench. As I was waiting my turn to read, all I could think about was how I would look like a fool once I got on stage. I remember myself fading in and out of focus, slowly succumbing to my thoughts. My anxiety was through the roof. As time continued to pass, I continued to get lost in my own world. Everyone’s voices slowly echoed out of my head leaving me stuck in an endless void.  Even though I knew I was prepared for this moment I still couldn’t bear the fact that I might bring shame to my family because their son was illiterate, a terrible Jew, and nothing near a man.  By the time I spiraled back into reality, 20 minutes had passed. I’ve surely doomed myself with all those negative thoughts. And before I knew it, I was next up.

            As I was walking up to the center stage to read, I felt my legs shaking terribly, my heart sinking to the floor, and the eyes of every spectator glued to my back. One could definitely say I gave off an air of confidence. This was the final showdown. I knew I had to shrug off any bit of doubt still left inside me if I wanted to do this. Right now, I’m center stage, whole crowd is looking at me, with no other option than to finish what I started. As I was forgetting about my high blood pressure, my mind was turning gears in preparation for the reading. It was time to prove my worth. As I took a deep breath, I scanned the room and saw the eyes of everyone who cared for me. Was there a reason to be scared? Probably not. So, I started reading aloud. At first, my voice was as bit shaky and low, still recovering from the anxiety attack at the bench. But the more I read the better I felt, the more I felt in control. Each word started coming out cleaner than the last. The pool of thoughts now started to turn into Tunnel Vision. My anxiety now morphed into a euphoria. Halfway through my reading I entered a state of mind where nothing else mattered except for the flow of words coming out of my mouth. By then, I was like a freight train going full steam ahead. I’m praying with clarity in my words, and a depth in my voice that I’ve never heard before. By now all I could see was the finish line. It felt as if there was nothing that could stand in my way. Still keeping my composure, I let out those final words which felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I’ve done something I could’ve never thought possible. I really proved it to myself and to my family that I can read Hebrew despite being non-religious. As I picked up my head, I saw the faces of my loved ones radiating nothing but love. I probably should have never been scared in the first place.

            I’ve finally done it. Now when I walk into a synagogue, I don’t have to be scared because this time I can actually read the book in my hands. Now, I don’t have to worry about reading a passage next to my family during holidays. Now, I don’t have to try as hard to fit in to the Jewish community. Because now, I’ve proven I have what it takes to be a man in the Jewish community.